| The truth is: I hate you.
I can't be honest with this fucking journal because dear old MOMMY will read it and ruin her life by being noble. At least that's what happened to my last journal. she disrespected me, told on me, TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME and acts like she got hurt the most.
I have to worry about my LOVELY RESPECTABLE FATHER killing my boyfriend, my boyfriend doing something stupid when he's high, maybe not going to SWOS next year, and having a relapse. By that I mean cutting.
You have no idea how tempted I am to grab a razor and slice the fuck out of every inch of skin I can reach. I'd SWALLOW razors if I could.
I need something.
I need to lose 40 pounds.
I need to get high.
I need to take a breath of my life as I knew it when things made sense.
I need to get lost.
I need to never come down.
I want so bad just to find a nice place, put on some music, get so high the world isn't in my vicinity of mind anymore... and just completely skin myself. Of course I'd fall asleep and wake up sober the next day and nothing will have changed.
Gravity will still defy me, Cory will still be practically dead, my mom will forever be the victim and I'd have no say at all in anything that's happening. I want to make this room a crimson mess, go to an insane asylum and be with people that are only dubbed insane because they were just questioning all this bullshit anyway.
anyne with half a brain is shot down and torn apart in this world because knowledge can be powerful, myabe not so much as love, but either can be so confusing and powerful that the monkies get scared and put us in some "loony" catagory to make us look like the funny ones.
I wish I had more girlfriends. All I have is Billy to hang out with right now. I want a couple of good chicks I can hang out and get high with. without feeling like I'm being used as an easy sex symbol. I'm so sick of everything in my life I wish I had a way of knowing how to make things right for me.
Maybe every dog has its day, but is life worth living if most of it is wasted WAITING for that day to come? It must be the last day in your life, that you wait for, because with no waiting what is there? Well, I suppose contentedness, but I think only Bhudda really ever got that one right.
I'm so fucking sick and tired of what all of this IS. I want to be something else. I want so many things that I'll never have them all. does this make me pessimistic? greedy? Does it make me a bad person if I wish death on my parents sometimes?
I guess it does.
But how can anyone in a situation where your dad could be an ax murderer the next day and your mother is a wannabe prophet be a good person? When they're being so crushed under a huge weight of having to smile and wave at the world every day as if it were covered in nothing but rainbows and fullness?
I'm tired of lying to myself and everyone else about everything. Funny I'm not suicidal. Homocidal, maybe. I don't know who to blame, that's all. I'm the one that left my fucking diary out; that's who I should kill. 'cept that DOES make me suicidal, right?
well, no. I don't want to die. I just think someone's death would be convenient at this point.
If it's...
Cory - I'll have a reason to go, too.
Mom - I'm running away.
Dad - Running away.
ellenor - run away.
Well, I just need a big enough reason to run away. No one wuld say I was acting on a stupid teenage crush. It'd be...
"Oh, she didn't want to die. She wanted out of that house... that decorating scheme..."
Virgin Suicides quote, by the way. lovely book. go read it.
I haven't eaten all day and I can wear a size 1. I have to eat tomorrow though. Maybe I'll stick with this. eat only one full meal every other day and I can wear a size 0 by November. I'm not crazy. Just overweight. And I cant tell anyone because the way I'm going about this seems crazy.
I'm not anorexic. I just need to be thin. Big deal. I also need to make new friends. Alex, Lindi, and Billy get boring sometimes. I wish someone like Faith lived here, or that I just know there's a least a couple at SWOS.
with good weed.
So I need to go there. well, it's late, and I had work today. I suppose I should work on a boycott to my insomnia. |
